To Brandon.

When I think about when I first met you

I think about my poetry and how you make me want to write all these words on your skin

You make me want to write happy things which my poems often don’t speak about

But I’ll say this to you because you make my writing corny

mushy- the typical I think about you…cant stop thinking about you kind of poetry

The kind of poems teens write about their crush that don’t even know they exist,

But you know that I exist and that makes me feel really special because where I come from being special isn’t really important but you make it priority and baby I’ll make you priority

I want to take my pen and outline the places we will go- the dreams we will accomplish

Never for second doubt my love for you

Because I’ve believed in doubt and that is the worst mistake anyone can do because when you feel no one is on your side and you lost it all

You’ll look at your body and remember all the words I wrote on it

You’ll touch them and realize that I am right there next to you

and when your stressed out, pulling the hairs on your head upwards, I’ll be right there to put them back into place.

Dont question why I gaze into your eyes

its part of my poetry

Its part of me finding you

I want to find every part of you, I wanna know you just like our hands know each other when you hold them

I wanna know you just like how our eyes know each other when they meet and the side of your lips curl when I laugh

Dont ever fear your darkness or past

because darkness doesn’t last forever, I lived it

My poetry was never like this until I met you

And I’ll be forever grateful because in the midst of my past tears and struggles, It all lead me to you

So don’t question if our love is real

You’ll feel it and when you feel it

you will know

The mind is powerful but the heard is stronger

Never lose hope and fight for what you want. I’ll be right there fighting with you

Writing this poem on your skin.

Advertisements

Rise Up

Rise Up

Today I came across a song called Rise Up by Andra Day and ever since I heard it, it has been on repeat. The song touched my life and ever since I heard this song I have felt motivated and moved to write this blog post. If you did not read my last post, it was pretty heart moving because I was and currently am dealing with a lot. I felt so alone the past few weeks even though I had my boyfriend, my best friend from back home and my parents. I felt as though God was taking away the people who made my life a little fun away. But as I was listening to this song, I kept thinking about my life and how sometimes we may feel broken. I felt as though I was broken for about 3 years because of my anxiety. It held me back from doing normal activities that everyone did. I felt as though everything I did, I had a little monster saying I couldn’t do it. The monster was loud and deadly, no one saw him except me. This was my life.

But when I heard the song Rise Up, my soul was moved. Sometimes we feel like dying and quitting. But life is worth living. Rise up. Conquer. Love even when you are not loved back and have hope as you walk through this life. Life is painful. It is going to knock you down. Hard. You are going to feel alone. You are going to feel like no one ever understands what you are going through but the truth is that someone does understand. You are never alone. You have to get up when you fall. Don’t stay down because I stayed down. I hoped for someone to notice how hurt I was. I urged for someone to pick me up, and now looking back, I just needed myself and God to pick myself up. Do it thousand times. Pick yourself up. As I write this, my heart is filled with love because even if one person reads this. Just know that everything you dealt with, are dealing with and are going to deal with- everything will be okay. You are talented, beautiful, smart, and have so much to offer. Lean on the people who make you feel good. For the longest time, I was leaning on people who would use me, and after they used me they would throw me to the side. This was constantly occurring to me but I am DONE with that. If that is happening to you, tell yourself you had enough. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. You deserve a friend who is going to hear your stories, make you laugh, be the shoulder to cry on and who will never judge you. You deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend who is going to love the good and bad about you. Someone who knows all the terrible things you ever did and loves you anyway, someone to smile with, and to cry with. Someone who makes you feel special everyday. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to rise like the waves.

 

So whoever is reading this, don’t ever put yourself down to lift someone up. I’ve done it way to many times- and while that is such a selfless thing to do. Sometimes it is okay to put yourself first…

 

Try it- Love yourself softly.

 

 

Xoxo Carol Giselle

 

 

December 5, 2016

I don’t want to constantly live in fear anymore. Sometimes we are unable to let go of people in our lives that hurt us. We tend to not let go because of certain memories that we experienced with that person, or even the impact they had in our lives at the certain times. This is what is occurring with me. I am surrounded by hurt, 24/7. I let this hurt eat me up until I get a panic attack or even break down in tears. Usually I start writing to share with you an experience I had that changed my mindset or made me a better person. But as I write this to you, I am at a low. I already broke down a few hours ago, and I am struggling to let go of people in my life who are hurting me and making me feel less. I actually just called my sister, because I felt heaviness in my chest from overthinking a situation, which I often do. So for the first time in a while, I am writing this to me because right now I need reassurance and I am tired of seeking that validation from the people around me. Dealing with an anxiety and panic disorder is so tiring because its something I cant control sometimes. I am sick of trying to fix relationships with people who simply are not meant to be in my life anymore. Sometimes people expire in our lives and we have to learn how to move on from that. I am not a person who handles changes easy. I actually hate change or when certain circumstance change in my life. But that’s life-things happen and people change.

Its okay to be alone. I am not my anxiety. Carol, you are not your anxiety. Everything will be okay. The people that are meant to be in your life, will fall perfectly into place. Listen to your own voice, instead of the voices of others. Your voice is strong enough. Please tell yourself that your voice is strong enough. You are strong enough and you are capable of handling this setback in your life. That friend who is hurting you, you have to let go. If someone can walk away from your life, they are not meant to be in it. If you tried to fix the problem, if they helped you years ago but they no longer serve you- let them go Carol. You deserve people are going to shape you, and make you feel worthy of friendship, love and acceptance. Wait for those people, until then focus on your goals of becoming a teacher and helping children face the same things you face everyday. Living life is a fight but don’t give up. When you think about giving up, when you feel yourself losing hope- remind yourself that even though you’ve distant yourself from God, he is there. He will alway remain through the good and bad, he has had your back since day #1. But you are beautiful Carol, its okay to tell yourself that everyday. No one is going to love you more than you should love yourself. You are smart, funny, caring and compassionate. Never apologize for being kind. That is one of your strong suites. Be kind. Change the world. Focus on yourself; you deserve time to heal and to be happy. Be happy Carol, fake it until you make it. You are gold.

 

 

Fight the fight softly.

 

 

Carol Giselle

Feeling Ugly

So today I woke up not feeling like myself. We often have those days where nothing seems right- and today was definitely one of those days. I woke up feeling ugly. Seriously… I fixed my hair 4 times, added more bronzer because I felt too pale, added more eyeliner because my eyes looked too big and even changed my shirt 2 times. When I finally got to class and sat down, I started to ponder on what I said to myself that morning. “ I am ugly”. I realized I became my own critic. The whole morning I spent thinking about how I looked. I literally thought I looked funny, weird and not as pretty as everyone else. I often catch myself doing this, and I know I am not the only girl who does. It wasn’t until I got to my statics class that a young girl came to me and said, “You’re hair looks amazing, I love your hair cut”. I went on to respond, “ I hate it, I can’t do anything and it’s too short. I spent all morning trying to fix it and today I just look ugh”. To which she replied, “ Sometimes the way we think we look is often times not what we project and show, you always look put together.” She smiled and sat down. Wow. It wasn’t until she said that, that I was able to open my eyes. Here I am, being so negative just because of the way I looked. I am so much more than that. You, yes you, are so much more than that. I have to constantly stop myself from thinking these horrible thoughts against myself. I do it everyday; because it is something I deal with. So I challenged myself, that whenever I think I look ugly or talk down to myself, I am going to say 3 things I love about myself.

I am training my brain to think positive. Is this easy? No. Is this something we both can work towards? Yes. So lets give it a try. I know I am created for more. I know that I am loved, beautiful and talented. The devil just tries to put lies into your head that make you think otherwise. But I am done talking down to myself. Will you take the stand with me?

 

Tell yourself that you’re beautiful everyday, do it softly.

 

Xoxo, Carol Giselle

 

Promises for my Soul

We all need some kind of inspiration to live by. We can’t go living life without aspirations and dreams. Well, you can- but life might be a little harder to live. Reflection is also a vital part of everyday life. It allows you to take a step back and see the areas in your life that need to be fixed. I am currently a junior in college and thus far I’ve learned so many things about life. I came to college with such high hopes and excitement, and while I’ve had some pretty great moments; I’ve also had some pretty bad ones too. While experiencing rejection all the way to heart break (more than one time), I’ve learned to look back at those moments and reflect on them. This exercise is not an easy one to do because often times when we take our selfs back to those moments, we feel those same feelings we once did. And hey, if you’re anything like me- you’re still feeling them even if the situation is in the past. So I wanted to share some of the promises I’ve made to myself after dealing with those unfortunate events, which have now shaped me into a better person. Feel free to leave any promises you’ve made to yourself too.

“ I promise to never stop loving myself first. I promise to respect my body and morals. I promise to never let him hurt me again, or anyone for that matter. I promise to try and stop comparing myself to other girls because I am beautiful and worthy of the greatest love. I promise to support those that talk down to me. I promise to be kind to those who hurt me. I promise to be a better person everyday. I promise to be a successful, focused and strong woman. I promise to be the best wife to my husband, and mother to children someday. I promise to be more open and outgoing in a group setting (even if that means taking a few deep breathe first). I promise to not let my anxiety define me. I am not my anxiety. I promise to say goodbye and let go of the people who are not making me grow, but instead pull me down in worries. I promise to be open to love. I promise to let go. I promise to be Carol; flaws and all. I am unique and I am made for more.”

 

Read your own promises softly.

 

Xoxo, Carol Giselle

Anxiety Calls

I worry about you at any time of the day

You’re the unexpected and definitely unwanted one

Heart beats faster and I don’t want to pick up your call

I don’t want to realize its there

So I tell myself its not

Over and over again I tell myself I’m going to be okay

I am right?

That’s what mom said, that’s what dad said, that’s what sister said, that’s what the four psychologists said, that’s what the two therapists said,

That’s what the Zantac, Klonopin, Trazadone, Abilify and Zoloft said

That’s what I tell myself

I’m in a blur and suddenly I’ve pressed ignored

To messy to confront

To concentrated to dilute

Breathe in and out

I’m dying

My mind shifts

“Heart Attack?” Its what my body feels

I’m dying

Fingers Clenched, body tight

Open hand, close hand, open hand, close hand: Am I alive?

Don’t touch me, I far to nervous to move

I’m to nervous to pick up the call

To nervous to answer

To nervous to confront the fact that I am scared

Scared of nothing because the reality is that nothing is happening

But my body is in full flight or fight mode

Ready to fight the fear of invisibility

Ready to fight my uncontrollable thoughts

The phone rings once more

Just like an ex-boyfriend calls, you already know what he is going to say

You know he is just going to come back like the shore keeps kissing against the shoreline

But yet even though you know what he going to say, you walk back and fourth, walk back and fourth

Nervously, just how you felt when you first met him

The phone rings once more, you close your eyes because the repetitive motion because slower and slower – then you stop

You breathe once more because the phone doesn’t ring this time

Calm

Open hands, body loosens, stop walking

You lay down, open your eyes

To hear nothing- then you realize

The call dropped, but you’re waiting for the next one

 

More

To all the girls that let him sweet-talk you, lust over you and leave you behind

I was once that girl that believed everything he said to me

But bullshit runs in the mouth of love-enders

I was once that girl that thought he was thinking of me

But he wasn’t- He was thinking about fucking another girl he called “beautiful”

But I still stayed because he still called me beautiful and I hoped I was still the only one

But sweetie, read these words carefully

Don’t let him tell you he loves you

His words are not enough to satisfy your unhappiness because he did not call you anymore

Don’t let him tell you, he wants to see your body

It isn’t the only one is he touching

But you still might let him touch you

And while he is touching you, gripping your thighs and licking your neck

Realize the touch of his tongue will not heal the brokenness of your thoughts

Don’t let him tell you, he will call you

Because I was once that girl that waited for the phone to ring

I was once that girl that desired more then just the other girl’s orgasm

But this fucked up society told me I was wrong too

He made me feel so bad for loving on him so hard that I wanted him to forget all the other girls he said “Good Morning” to

But it didn’t work

He still left and didn’t remember me

And that is the worst feeling anyone can feel

So please don’t let him tell you that your lips are the sweetest one he has tasted

Because from those lips, rise the words of a liar who made me think I was believing in more

Don’t ever let him tell you, you are the most important girl in his life

Because while he saying that is he imaging the other girl he fingered, and licked so hard that she melted into your broken heart

And when those last words are released from his mouth, don’t let him finish

Don’t let him tell you that you wont ever find the right guy because of the one thing you couldn’t give him

Don’t let him say one more fucked up lie

Because then when he realizes he messed up and tries to reach out to you

You wont be there

Don’t let him hush you when you tell him you are beautiful enough without him

Don’t be scared to let him know that his touches didn’t heal you but rather it broke you so bad you had to pick up your pieces, put then together and move on

Don’t let him tell you to stop talking because you have so much to say

You say it because it’s your turn to say the fucking truth

So don’t be nervous to tell him you deserve more

And you’re going to try your goddam hardest to find it

xo

-CarolGiselle